My Story: Leadership and Fear

Here I am, sitting in front of a computer screen once again. I just got back from an internship at a kids camp through the Summit (the church I attend, and will mention quite often) and Elevate Summer Camp which is for the highschoolers at the Summit. I was at the beach for 8 days with my mom's side of the family right before that, so this is the first time after almost a month that I am home to stay for a while. This time, my aim is to use the computer and any time spent in front of a screen wisely, not just a way to waste time. So I decided to make a blog. I had previously thought that my first blogpost would be random facts about me, the meaning of the name that I picked for my blog, and basically an introductory for myself. Instead, I have decided to save that for another day and take on the big task of writing about these past few weeks while it's still fresh on my mind. I will go ahead and warn you that this post may turn into a long one.

Before I left for the beach, I had finally come to the point where I was doing my Bible study habitually each morning, memorizing scripture, reading good Christian books like Crazy Love by Francis Chan and Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald S. Whitney, keeping a prayer journal, and even learning some good songs to play on my pineapple ukulele (I am honestly not trying to brag, I am saying these things to make a point about my weaknesses). At the beach, me and my lovely cousin Julia planned to do a Bible study each morning.

                                      (This is a picture from an outing to Calabash at the beach; Julia is on the far right) 

We started strong, and actually did do it almost every single day, but I could tell by the end of the week that I was losing my flame and my spiritual habits were fading quickly. I can't even remember if I did my Bible study when I got back, because I was caught up in the excitement of packing and preparing to leave yet again. 

While interning, I did do a couple of small devotions and we had some great team meetings, but I was so caught up in my work and what I was doing, that I forgot whom I was working for and why. Don't get me wrong, it was a great experience that I wouldn't trade for anything, but my heart wasn't where it needed to be.

                                    (A picture of me, Carolyn, and some of my favorite kids from Triangle Kids Camp)

I got home at about 12am the night before I had to leave for Elevate Summer Camp and be at the church by 7am, so I didn't even have time to think about reading my Bible or any of that stuff. Me and my fellow Elevators arrived at the camp in Tennessee at about 5:30pm the next day after 8-9 hours of travel, settled in, ate dinner, and then went to worship. Sadly, I hadn't even realized that my heart wasn't where it needed to be until that night when I was singing in worship. My thoughts were wandering far and were most definitely not testifying with the words coming out of my mouth. I caught myself in an act of insincere worship, and even almost stopped singing; I would have stopped altogether but I spent the remainder of the time trying to get back to the place I had been just 2 weeks earlier. Lets just say, that didn't happen, because that isn't possible. That is when God taught me my first big lesson out of this experience: you can't climb all the way down a mountain and try to jump all the way back to the top. 

That night after worship, we had our first small group time where the girls in my cabin and I shared what we had learned and problems we were facing. We weren't exactly comfortable with each other yet, but I am thankful that several girls left their comfort zones and told of their struggles. Otherwise, I wouldn't have shared my own struggle. My heart was thumping because for some reason I was scared, but I knew I had to confess. I told them that I had become distant from God in the past few weeks and had stopped doing my Bible study. I also told them that I had become so caught up in works that I hadn't remembered my purpose and whom I was working for. Normally, I am the girl who lets everyone believe that I have everything together and am always super close to God. People depend on me, so I have to do that, right? But God taught me my second lesson that night: confessing sin to others and risking the loss of your reputation actually brings light to your sin and helps you to get rid of it much more quickly. 

I also now realize that I had just overcome a big fear of mine. When I do share my sins, it tends to be with people whom I know very well and know won't judge me. But I had just shared in front of people that I didn't even know yet. The cool thing is that from the first day, we became comfortable with being uncomfortable with each other and we became unafraid to be weak with one another. 

                                                                            (Me and my beautiful Oz cabin girls)

The weird thing is that something happened this past week that I wasn't expecting at all. I didn't become fearless, but I became a fear-over-comer. Sunday I went whitewater rafting; Monday I jumped off of a deck that was about 50 feet high attached to a rope and swung 70 feet up into the air (I didn't even scream), went zip lining 1000 feet down a mountain, went down a huge steep water slide that was also down a mountain that shoots you into a pool going 50-60 miles per hour (everyone who did it can also attest to the fact that it gives you the biggest wedgie you can imagine), and I climbed to the top of a rock wall while freezing cold water was being sprayed down on me; Tuesday, I jumped about 20 feet down onto a thing called a blob ( a giant blow up thing that sits on a lake) but without a rope attached, and was shot out into the lake when someone else jumped onto it, and even mustered the courage to do this several times.

 

(The blob, with a random dude near it to show height proportions)

Every night my small group met in the cabin and told stories of struggles, deep sins within us, and I made myself share at least something each time. This overcoming of fear was exhilarating and I loved it. To take a moment and be nerdy real quick, I felt like Tris from the Divergent series. 

One night, I forget which one, I realized that I am scared of a lot of things. I remembered the struggle I had been through recently when I shared the Gospel with a group of Green Castle kids at our first Bible study meeting, and how I had been terrified. Me and my good friend Elizabeth were able to share the whole entire Gospel message with them, and I even shared some verses from the Spanish Bible with a mother who was listening, but I had felt so down afterwards. I was forgetting the fact that the Holy Spirit does the work and not me. I can't make people believe, all I can do is plant the seeds and then pray. 

This remembrance led me to realize that one of my biggest fears is being a leader. How had I not realized this before? Now that I think back on several situations, it makes sense now. I was afraid to lead the Green Castle kids at the Bible study, I am occasionally afraid on Sunday mornings when I have to take the main leadership role in the preschool room that I serve in (preschoolers are terrifying, aren't they?), I am afraid to be an upperclassmen in youth because I should be able to lead those younger than me at small group but I don't feel like I can, I am afraid to try to lead my siblings closer to Christ and take on a different role in their life other than that of a normal sister, and lastly, I feel called to be a missionary one day and could even go on a mission trip in the next year, but all of that also involves being a leader and so, I. AM. SCARED. 

After I shared with my group that I was scared of being a leader and everyone dismissed, I stayed to talk with Amanda Springer and two girls from the Malaysia team (Emilie and Kesha). Amanda is very certain that I have to come with her on a mission trip in the next year, and she really wants me to go to India with her through the Elevate Summer Project. I've been thinking/praying about it for a long time, and I really hope that I can go, despite my fears. Talking to her reminded me that the safest place to be is inside God's Will, no matter where I physically am in this world. She reminded me that I could even die in a car crash here in the U.S, just the same as I could die sharing the Gospel somewhere else, but that if it's God's Will, everything will work out for good. 

Two nights ago, the last night at Elevate Summer Camp, Jason Gaston preached an amazing sermon. Two things in particular really stood out to me: 1.) He talked about how people have even been sawed in half and killed in gruesome ways sharing the Gospel 2.) He said something about how we tiptoe through life when the Gospel frees us to walk and run, and it reminded me of this quote: "I refuse to tip toe through life only to arrive safely at death." This is so true in the life of a Christian especially, because we have eternal life in Christ and our purpose on this earth is to glorify Him and make Him known on this earth, no matter what the cost! When Jesus tells us that following Him means picking up our crosses, He's NOT joking. The whole thing about being sawed in half stuck in my mind. God again showed me something that I needed to change, another lesson that looked into the depths of my heart: I was and still am scared of sharing the Gospel, but that fear doesn't stop me altogether. What stops me is my fear of leading in which I've already mentioned, and also the fear of what accompanies that. I had this weird idea that since Jesus died on the cross for me, He didn't just take my sins away, He also took away all of the pain because HE died on the cross and I didn't need to anymore. But folks, let me tell you, that is NOT what the Bible says. Almost all of the disciples were martyred in some way, and missionaries still are all over the world. If I want to be a missionary one day, and become able to lead, I need to know what the cost may be and also live in the peace that Jesus gives me allowing me to overcome that fear. 

The next thing that happened that night was small group. As soon as we got to our cabin, our awesome leader Erica told us that it would not be a normal night of sharing. My heart dropped because I wanted the last night to be just as great as the other nights had been. She said that we would break up into groups and pray. My group included two girls who received Christ that night (I am not sure if they would want their names mentioned here or not), my friend Michelle whom I grew close to this week, and Kesha (from the Malaysia team). We went off into a room and closed the door to have privacy, and let me just tell you, it got very emotional and I am so thankful that it was different than the other nights. 

Kesha said that she first wanted to share some things before we began to pray. We have known each other for several years now, and she has had her ups and her downs most definitely. Her testimony is a beautiful picture of God's way of working in our lives and His love/reconciliation, and if you ever get the chance to talk to her, you should ask her about it. But instead of talking about herself, she started to talk about me. I don't remember exactly what she said because I started to cry, but I do remember some things. She said that even when she was far away from God, she always thought that I was so strong, that I am one of the strongest Christian girls that she knows. The kind of girl who would wear her 116 I Am Not Ashamed shirt anywhere. She said that she knew I was born to be a leader, and if anyone ever needed to talk to someone, they could count on me.

(A selfie of me and Kesha)

Kesha encouraged me probably greater than anyone has ever encouraged me before. No one had spoken to me the way she spoke to me before either, and I wish I could remember more of what she said. God had given her a vision for my life that He hadn't even shown me yet, and He allowed this girl whom I had been praying for that I hadn't seen in forever to tell me. It was one of the most beautiful moments that I can recollect so far in my life. In my low moment of having to overcome fears and thinking that I wasn't fit to be a leader at all, God showed me the exact opposite. We finished the evening praying hard for those who came to know Christ, and for everyone else to have the strength to do what God had called us to do. These verses come to mind:

• John 20:19 "19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!'" 


• 1 John 4:18 "18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 


• 2 Corinthians 12: 9 "9 But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."


• Colossians 1:28-29 "28 Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. 29 For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me." 

These verses show me that even Jesus' disciples were scared, but He told them "Peace be with you!" and He proceeded to give them the Holy Spirit which is the power in us that gives us peace. God's love perfects me and causes me to lose my fear, yet another reason out of all of the many to pursue Him. God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses, so I will boast in them because when I am weak, He is strong. Last things last (remember that, Elevators?), I must remember that Jesus is the reason for what I am doing and the Gospel is worth all of the pain that I will go through, all of the toiling and the struggles. GOD IS POWERFUL. He is my reason for living, the reason for everything that I do. 

I woke up and did my Bible study first thing this morning. It was easy to do that at camp, because we even had time allotted for it and I had friends by my side, but I was again tempted to not do it this morning. I almost went downstairs to eat breakfast first. The Holy Spirit is powerful though, and fought off that temptation for me, reminding me of the mountain that I still need to re-climb to get back to where I was a few weeks ago. It will take time, and I will arrive there a slightly different person than I was before, but it is worth it. As Jonathen Lenker (I think it was him) said at camp: "We are gonna change anyways, we just have to choose whether we will change for the bad or for the good." Because I want to bring all of my blogposts around to this point (the reason for my blog name), I will say this: He makes us beautiful, and I hope that My Story will attest to that.