Glimpses - Part One

Many things have led me to where I am today and I can’t help but wonder: What is God doing now that will prepare me for the future? I believe He is always doing something, working on a scale that’s far too big for me to understand or see entirely.

Something that has reassured me, ever since I heard Dr. Tony Evan’s sermon series on destiny, is that God aligns our passions with His plans for us. In that way, I find meaning and glimpses into my possible future. Luckily, I don’t mind so much that I can only see such small specks of what He’s doing. I like surprises and spontaneity. But you need to have some sort of idea as to where you’re going in order to "head in the right direction" per se. For example: God called Jonah to go to Nineveh. But God wasn't going to zap him there. After he got his calling, he was supposed to go and get on a ship in order to get there.

For those of you who don’t know yet, God seems to be calling me to move three, possibly even four times in the near future. And no, before you get freaked out, the first couple will for sure be local moves (I’m including when I move to college. I do want to go to NC State, but since I’m a junior and haven’t applied, I have no clue where God will place me yet). 

The first place that my family will be moving, is back to our old house this summer to fix it up and hopefully sell it. Then from there, we will hopefully be able to find a house in this area to buy, but if the timing doesn't work out, we could be stuck in an apartment for a short period of time. After those moves, college is right up the road. 

All of this entails getting rid of lots of stuff and learning how to live off of the bare minimum. It means that I can’t really settle down and become comfortable because I know I’ll be uprooted. It means coming back full circle in some instances, and starting fresh in others. It means my life could get pretty messy and draining. Luckily for me, I am an extreme optimist and I can only see the bright sides from here.

But what are the bright sides? What is the point in all of this? Although I obviously don’t know for sure, I've been brainstorming on this one: I've had the desire to be a missionary one day for YEARS. Several of my missionary friends have testified that this is the lifestyle you have to get used to. Never calling a place home for longer than a couple of years, leaving pieces of your heart in different countries and with people all over the globe, lessening down on the stuff, and gravitating away from materialism.

 I’m sure it will be hard, but this is the lifestyle that I see for myself one day. As crazy as it may sound, God has placed a burning passion in my heart that has only grown: to go share the gospel with people who've never heard it before in countries I've never stepped foot in. All of these moves that I’m about to make? I truly believe that they are for me to dip my feet into the water before I jump in. To prepare me and teach me how to swim before I try and cross the ocean.

Recently, a friend of mine shared a blogpost from Desiring God on Facebook that really spoke to me about my current predicament (here is the link in case you are interested: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/when-god-says-go). One of my favorite quotes, is this:

“As sojourners here, we are still in exile, but we are not like Cain. As opposed to idly wandering toward nothingness and fervently clinging to everything unable to offer lasting rest, we are passing through this present age, purposed for the unending presence of God. We await the hope of a Home which we only experience faint glimpses of now on earth.” ~ Jenny Frank

And get this guys! I've found even more positives. My family built some great relationships with the kids around the area of my last house, and I can’t wait to pick those back up again. It’s not very often that you are given the opportunity to move back to your old house and it will be cool to open our doors to those kids that used to practically live with us. Things will be different. Some have moved, new faces will be added, but by God’s grace I know that they will be the right faces in His plan. 

Also, living in a big city with a block of land that’s fenced in can get tiresome for this girl who grew up in the woods! There are 100 acres of land behind the house we are moving back to, along with a pool across the street, my favorite kitchen out of all of the houses we've lived in before, my room has a perfect view of the woods, my best friend lives only 10 minutes away from there (she also happens to have a pool), and we have several other friends who live around the area. I would say that it’ll stink being so far away from things, and maybe it will, but I won’t mind the drive as much in the summer. Besides, I’m blessed with a church and people who are worth the effort.

(This is the view from my room in the house that we are moving back to)

God has called me, just as He called Abraham, to pick up my belongings and go (this scripture reference was also used in the Desiring God blogpost mentioned above):

“By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.” ~ Hebrews 11:8–10

I can trust that He DOES have a plan for me that is prosperous and hopeful, that He is furthering my yearn for eternity by loosening my grip on the term “home,” and just as always, He is using it to make me beautiful. Glory to Glory.

And, since you can never have too many pictures, here are two more of my favorite pictures that I took when we lived at my old house when I was just getting into photography:

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

I have to admit: sometimes I really don’t believe that old saying “all good things come to those who wait.” I’ve grown up in a world where instant gratification is so prevalent that everyone seems to think it is necessary. Want food? Just call the number on the website and either have it delivered to your door or it will be ready for you to pick up in just a few minutes. Want to know something? Just Google it and you’ll be a genius in seconds. Want a boyfriend/girlfriend? Just go on an online dating site and you’ll probably meet someone within days***. Or you could always just settle and go out with that guy that you really don’t like but you enjoy the attention he gives you. A fast paced, quickly delivered, and high demanding world does not set foundations of patience.

I know I know, I’m only sixteen but I’m tired of the “you’ve NEVER had a boyfriend?!” statements or the “oh, but you’re pretty! I would think that boys would be all over you!” comments. And not to mention the times when my friends are all talking about their exes and I’m just sitting there thinking, “Why does no one like me? Why am I not good enough?” I could pity myself all day long, but instead of falling for that trap, I’ve decided to learn how to be thankful. I am thankful for my lack of exes and heartaches, I’m thankful that I haven’t had to deal with all of the drama of breakups and pointless relationships that don’t lead to marriage. I am thankful that God has given me the intuition to know when to end it with a guy before it turns into one of those meaningless relationships. I am thankful that I haven’t given away my heart and the love that should be saved for my future husband.

How precious would it be if I saved everything, emotionally and physically, for just one guy to have? It’s something that the world has taken for granted. Maybe it works for some people, but divorce rates are higher than ever before and I don’t want loads of baggage to weigh my relationship down for the rest of my life. It’s one of the hardest things to wait in uncertainty, but I am choosing to believe God’s truth:

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! 14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!” ~ Psalm 27:13-14

Now, if you are someone that HAS had past failed relationships and you feel like you are carrying around unwanted baggage, I just want to let you know that it’s not too late. It’s not too late to wait. God can and will make you pure and He will carry any burdens that you have. The most important thing that you need to know is that no guy or girl will ever be able to satisfy all of your needs, so don’t wait for your “one” to come along to place your burdens upon them. As my mentor, Cameron, once told me, “No person will ever have the strength to carry your soul. Only God is strong enough to hold something as delicate and eternal as a soul,” or something along those lines. Since Jesus tore down the boundaries between us and God, we DON’T have to wait for Him any longer. The world provides instant gratification, but God provides eternal gratification.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” ~ Matthew 11:28

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” ~ Psalm 37:3-5

Please don’t settle! Sisters, don’t go out with some guy just because he gives you the attention you have always desired. Brothers, don’t go out with some girl just because she’s hot. OR vice versa. Wait for someone who is beautiful because they reflect God’s image, someone who leads you closer to Him, someone who respects you and treats you like the child of God that you are! Wait for someone who has the same passions and desires as you, someone who you KNOW you could live the whole rest of your life with and wouldn’t want to live without, someone who isn’t perfect but will teach you how to be holy and be a servant like Jesus, someone who would be willing to wait for you too! Trust that in this waiting, He is making you beautiful. And if His plan is for you to get married one day, trust that He is making your future husband/wife beautiful too.

*** Don’t get me wrong, sometimes great relationships come over the internet and/or dating websites. I know people that it HAS worked out for. I am simply using it as an example for instant gratification because people my age shouldn't be so desperate that they think they have to use an online dating site.

My Story: Artists and Sunsets

This post will allow you to understand my crazy obsession with sunsets.

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” ~ Genesis 1:1

I realize that all of you, whether you or a Christian or not, have probably read/heard this verse a million times. It’s so overused that often times artists like me – who have no idea where their artistic talents fit into the whole scheme of things – don’t even think of this verse. Let’s read it again, the emphasis is mine:

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”

From the very beginning of time, creativity has existed. The world started with the wonderfully mysterious work of art that we live in today, which also means that it was started by an Artist. THE Artist, to make myself clear. His very words were the paintbrushes that created the galaxy, the mountains, the oceans, the trees. He didn’t do it all at once. He took His time to make everything beautiful. The most special thing of all is that on the last day He worked, He abandoned His “paintbrushes” and He used His very hands to form us. 

I am an artist too. I started drawing people, dogs, houses, giraffes (don’t ask me why…) and other random things when I was two years old. There was no reasoning, I just did. It’s something that I’ve always done. But it wasn’t until recently that I truly understood why I love to create things. It’s because I am made in the image of God, and part of that is His creativity. It’s such a special gift that He has given me and I get to take part in something that has been done since the very beginning of time. 

Here are some of my favorite pieces that I've created:

When I am creating something, and I get really into my work, I tend to start using my hands in different ways. I like to blend with my fingers, dab paint, and even mold things sometimes (Hint: This is why my Instagram name is TheGirlWithTheArtFingers). Something that I must get across to you – it’s hard to explain unless you are also an artist – is that my best works of art are always the ones that I am the most involved in. The ones that have meaning or stories to them, the ones that I used my own hands to form and not just tools, the ones that I poured my heart and even my soul into. Although Arthur Miller is talking about writing, his quote sums it up well: “The writer must be in it; he can’t be to one side of it, ever. He has to be endangered by it. His own attitudes have to be tested in it. The best work that anybody ever writes is the work that is on the verge of embarrassing him, always.” This is something that I have discovered through both creating art, and writing for this blog.

“But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.” ~ Isaiah 64:8

Doesn’t the same idea also apply to us and God? As Isaiah 64:8 says, He formed us with His hands. He poured Himself into us. He gave each of us stories that are still being told. He gave us our own free will even though it endangered His Kingship at an individual level. His character has been tested in His relationship with us yet still He has remained holy and pure. He gave His own life up for us so that we, His prized creation, could be restored to Him. There was nothing worth saving because we had destroyed ourselves into an ugly ruin, yet He wanted us back, and isn’t that “on the verge of embarrassing” (as Miller put it)? But it’s so beautiful that it’s the greatest work that has ever been done! 

Now, I know you must be wondering, “What does this have to do with her loving sunsets?” Well, I’ll tell you. Sunsets seem to have this weird effect on artists. I was once talking with several of my friends who are artists but aren’t Christians and I was surprised to find out that they all shared in my obsession with sunsets. What kills me is that they don’t know why they love them so much! But here is why: artists are drawn to sunsets not just because they are beautiful, but because sunsets display the artwork of the Ultimate Artist. We are made in His image, we are made in His likeness, and we can sense His creativity even when we don’t understand that sense (like my artist friends). It’s amazing to me when I watch a sunset that I am literally seeing God paint the sky! I can see His work of art unfold before me. As the sunset changes, colors that cannot even be captured on camera come and go as the clouds move. No sunset is ever the same. 

(This sunset was in Wyoming)

 (This sunset was in Montana)

 (This sunset was in Washington D.C)

(This sunset was in Myrtle Beach)

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” ~ Psalm 19:1

Rainbows symbolize the promise that God will never flood the earth again, and sunsets promise that God’s work isn't finished. He is still creating, day by day, and moment by moment. If God cares so much about the sky that He wishes to create beautiful things displayed upon it daily, imagine how much more He cares about what He is creating inside of you? And if you allow Him to, He will make you beautiful.    

My Story: Finding Purpose in the NOW

Recently, my life has been a whirlwind. Between classes at Durham Tech, homework, keeping up with home school classes, babysitting, several meetings in the Teen Arts Council at NCMA, church stuff, serving in the I58 ministry, finding time for friends, and struggling to find time to work on my portfolio, I’ve come to appreciate calendars. I basically live off of the calendar right now and have to plan out each day in order to get everything done. These things aren’t necessarily bad, but it’s hard to find purpose when you are basing your life on a checklist. I’m burnt out.

(Because every blogpost needs pictures, right? This is me and two of my beautiful friends who I finally got to see yesterday)

Whenever my life becomes this crazy, I tend to hope for the future and what it will bring. “Oh, I can’t wait for the day when I can go be an overseas missionary!” “Eventually I’ll find some way to use my gifts and talents for God.” “It will be awesome when I grow up and get married (no more single- pringle-ness) and even have a family of my own!” “Maybe my life will have purpose someday?” For some reason, I think that my life is meaningless right now. I’m just 16. I struggle with being bold. I struggle with not being able to go overseas yet. I struggle with figuring out how to use art and other talents I have to glorify God. I struggle with being single and basing my confidence on what guys think of me. Actually, I'm a people-pleaser, so I tend to struggle with basing my confidence on what anybody thinks of me (even if it's especially guys). I’m lusting for the future because for some reason I think that one day all of these problems that I’m facing will be gone.

With that being said, J.D Greear preached about purpose today and totally rocked my world. Each person has purpose. Purpose isn't just something that I may find one day. Not only that, but a lot of times, our greatest purpose is what God is doing in and through us and not what we are doing for Him! I dream about all of the awesome things I could be doing for him or can’t wait to do, and I forget about what He is doing in me. Where my life is at RIGHT NOW is important and necessary because it’s where God has placed me.

Despite the craziness, I've maintained my regular daily Bible study. Something that I've really been struggling with though, is how to apply what I read throughout the rest of the day. I have this mindset: “Show me what you want me to do now, God. Come on, I know you have to have SOMETHING!” No answer comes my way, and so I just keep on going with checking things off of my list. Occasionally, I’ll say a prayer to “bring God” into whatever I’m doing. Guess what? It hasn't been working.

The problem is that I have made God another check off of my list. If He doesn't have something else for me to do after my Bible study, well, that’s just too bad. Life is doing things, am I correct? That is what the world says. But with God, it’s different. Life is IN Him, Him in me, continually molding my character. No wonder I haven’t found purpose in what I am doing each day! God is literally the center of everything, and I have tried to make Him into a planet that orbits me (one of J.D’s analogies). My life will only be meaningful when I realize that what I DO will one day fade away; only eternal things will remain.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m still trying to decipher what exactly this will look like as far as application, but I’ll get back to you when I do. At least I know that where I am in my life RIGHT NOW is in fact important. I have something to anchor myself on that isn't based on circumstances, what I am doing/being needed, and even what people think of me. I can trust on the perfect God instead of the perfectionist and easily stressed out me. When we learn to trust God and take refuge in Him, we get to see Him working inside of us reforming our character. That’s how He Makes Us Beautiful.

My Story: A Dirt Road Down to Mexico

I suppose since this blog is my story, to make sense of it to my readers, I should briefly explain my life from the beginning. My testimony, at least the very beginning, isn’t exactly an interesting story. It’s actually pretty typical. I’ve grown up in church my whole entire life and I officially accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 4 and a half years old. I was baptized when I was 5. Both of my parents are strong Christians and have set good examples in their faith for me and my siblings. They have always encouraged us to not live off of their faith, but to have our own faith and pursue our own relationships with Christ. When I was 7 and a half, my dad accepted a job as a children’s pastor at a church in Georgia. We lived there for a year and a half and then moved again to the good old Franklinton, NC because my dad had accepted another children’s pastor role at a church in Youngsville. One thing that I am most thankful for is that everywhere we have gone, my parents have greatly involved us in different types of service as a family. They have taught me and my siblings how to leverage every aspect of life for the Gospel.

One of the biggest and also weirdest parts of my life thus far, has been the Latino community. No matter where we go, God seems to place us in situations where we are ministering to Latino people and especially Latino children. I don’t even really know Spanish, but I want to learn. The first really big thing that happened was when I lived in Franklinton and we attended the church in Youngsville. Somehow some people at our church had discovered information about a migrant camp nearby.

I cannot even begin to explain how shocking it was when we took that dirt road through the tobacco fields and woods and came out to what looked like a 3rd world country. And when I say this, I am not exaggerating. A dirt road down to Mexico. If only I had taken more pictures of their living conditions the first summer that we went! I will try my best to depict a picture for you:

~ Imagine coming out of a wooded area, and there is a tobacco field down the slight hill to your left. There is one condemned trailer at the top of the hill on the left, and on the other side of the dusty end of the dirt road, there are two more condemned trailers, one beside the other. Insulation hangs from the bottom of the trailers that are lifted up on cement blocks high enough for kids to crawl underneath. Occasionally, you will see a young child sitting underneath eating the insulation. Since the trailers are condemned, only a few people are living in them.

(This picture is the only one that I have with part of a tent in it. This is also when we didn't know that it wasn't safe for us to be there when the men were there.)

Since they can’t live in them, they are living in dirty tents. Across from you, past the opening, the woods start again. Under two of the trees on the edge, a tarp hangs over a couple of cribs with crying babies left in them.

The second thing that you notice is that every inch of ground seems to be covered in all types of trash, even some dirty diapers and rotten cucumbers. To your right, there is a GIANT pile of trash that mainly consists of beer bottles, both metal and glass, which you then also notice are all over the ground as well.

Shards of glass are strewn all over the lawn. You may even find a large butcher knife on the ground, and a child may be playing with it. All of the kids are covered in dirt with clothes that all seem to be either way too small or way too big. You give them all of the clothes that you can find that will fit, maybe it will help. If you are there in the morning or in the middle of the afternoon, most likely the men and some women, even some of the kids, are all out working in the fields and tobacco barns. The kids are left to watch themselves with maybe two teenagers or one-two women watching. But there are too many babies and little kids to be watched all at once.

If you have been here before, they run to you! In fact, they swarm like a mad ant hill. If you have not been here before, they watch you intensely and possibly cry because they are scared.

 

The older ones might even have a scowl on their face. But they will warm up to you quickly once you get out the food. Oh! The food! They may not have eaten all day, unless they have rummaged through the trash from the adult’s mealtime. You spread out picnic blankets on the ground to sit on and hand out the food.

It’s not food they are used to. They aren’t used to food in general. So they most likely inspect their food before eating, and some of the youngest kids do not eat. They love pizza and chicken sandwiches, but ham sandwiches and PB&Js with white bread are weird alien foods to them, and even make them laugh.

Some think of their siblings who are out in the field and ask for extra food to save for them for when they come back. Maybe they take a little more for themselves as well.

The kids love to play with you, any kind of game. They aren't used to people being so interested in them. How could an adult be interested in a young child? Is that even normal? You run around playing hide and go seek and soccer (futbol) with them in the trees.

                    You let them sit in your lap and you read them the books that you loved as a kid.

                         They climb on your back, cling to your legs, sit on your lap, and don’t let go.

You teach them Bible stories about Jesus, Adam and Eve, Noah, and Moses, in which they’ve never heard before, and probably their parents haven’t heard before, and maybe even generations after that.

Most older kids know English almost fluently by now because they’ve attended school a couple of times in their lives, maybe a year or two in total, and their “babysitters” aren’t Latino. You find out that their babysitters are the local prostitutes. The rest of the women return home to cook lunch for their men. They find you there, and so they smile and play with their kids like its normal, but since the kids don’t like it, you can tell it’s not.

You also notice after some time that the kids scratch their head a lot. They are always scratching their heads. The older ones tell you that they have had lice for a while, so you hope that you don’t get lice too. The men arrive home to eat their lunch, drink some (lots) of beer, and take a short break. It’s time to leave because they will get rough. They stare at you like you are from another planet. The kids scream and cry and you probably have to rip them off of you. Some say “Mama!” with arms open to you as they sit on the dusty ground weeping for you to just hold them one more time. Your heart hurts heavily as you drive away and see them running after the car, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, you have fallen in love with those kids. ~

This was just what we experienced the first summer we went out there, and only once a week. The next summer, we went daily because we realized the need. Eventually, we realized just how dangerous it was out there, and had to stop. The second summer, the tents were gone because apparently not as many people were living there, and one of the trailers was so bad, that (if I remember correctly) it was removed. So they were all living in the two condemned trailers that were left. We began to notice the bruises and gashes and huge scars on the kids from when they were beaten by their drunk (at least I hope they were drunk) parents. One time, a little girl fell on a cooking stove that was lying on the ground and was burned horribly, and all they did was put toothpaste on it. We took her to the hospital. She was only two years old, sitting on the hospital bed crying, while the mom sat on the chair next to her paying no attention. I wasn't there because I wasn't allowed to go in anyways, but my mom said that she sat in the bed and held her.

(My Mom and the little girl who was burned)

Honestly, all of those kids should have been taken away from that place. Long story short, we tried, we along with another family who went out there with us were even fully open to adopting some of the kids, but nothing happened. We weren't able to find any hope for those kids. Trapped in the migrant’s unending cycle of high-school dropout teenage mothers, child labor, women labor, man labor, EVERYONE laboring for not enough pay, hungry children, drunk parents, abuse, prostitution, and the kids grow up and do the same thing. Because there was literally nothing else we could do to get them out of that cycle, I always wonder why God placed me, my family, and everyone else involved out there. I know one thing’s for sure, I DID fall in love with those kids and I miss them all the time. Since then, I have grown to love Latino people in general, along with their culture… and the food. Who knows? God may have used that experience to prepare me for something in the future. To open my eyes to the darkness in the world, even in the U.S. To show those kids the love they had never seen before. Or maybe even all of the above. I refuse to believe that the poverty they are in is what God wants for them, and I look at their pictures every so often so I will always remember to pray for a miracle.

A lot of times in my life, I have seen that God uses my greatest struggles and heartbreaks to grow me closer to Him. I would be a different person if I had never experienced this. My heart has grown ten-fold for missions, and has broken for the beautiful children out there somewhere; both the children that I have met, and the children that I hope to meet in the future. I've learned that He responds to our deep pain with a deep love and understanding that washes over us. 
Psalm 42:7 "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me."
Our pain is meaningful, and He uses it to make us beautiful. 

My Story: Leadership and Fear

Here I am, sitting in front of a computer screen once again. I just got back from an internship at a kids camp through the Summit (the church I attend, and will mention quite often) and Elevate Summer Camp which is for the highschoolers at the Summit. I was at the beach for 8 days with my mom's side of the family right before that, so this is the first time after almost a month that I am home to stay for a while. This time, my aim is to use the computer and any time spent in front of a screen wisely, not just a way to waste time. So I decided to make a blog. I had previously thought that my first blogpost would be random facts about me, the meaning of the name that I picked for my blog, and basically an introductory for myself. Instead, I have decided to save that for another day and take on the big task of writing about these past few weeks while it's still fresh on my mind. I will go ahead and warn you that this post may turn into a long one.

Before I left for the beach, I had finally come to the point where I was doing my Bible study habitually each morning, memorizing scripture, reading good Christian books like Crazy Love by Francis Chan and Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald S. Whitney, keeping a prayer journal, and even learning some good songs to play on my pineapple ukulele (I am honestly not trying to brag, I am saying these things to make a point about my weaknesses). At the beach, me and my lovely cousin Julia planned to do a Bible study each morning.

                                      (This is a picture from an outing to Calabash at the beach; Julia is on the far right) 

We started strong, and actually did do it almost every single day, but I could tell by the end of the week that I was losing my flame and my spiritual habits were fading quickly. I can't even remember if I did my Bible study when I got back, because I was caught up in the excitement of packing and preparing to leave yet again. 

While interning, I did do a couple of small devotions and we had some great team meetings, but I was so caught up in my work and what I was doing, that I forgot whom I was working for and why. Don't get me wrong, it was a great experience that I wouldn't trade for anything, but my heart wasn't where it needed to be.

                                    (A picture of me, Carolyn, and some of my favorite kids from Triangle Kids Camp)

I got home at about 12am the night before I had to leave for Elevate Summer Camp and be at the church by 7am, so I didn't even have time to think about reading my Bible or any of that stuff. Me and my fellow Elevators arrived at the camp in Tennessee at about 5:30pm the next day after 8-9 hours of travel, settled in, ate dinner, and then went to worship. Sadly, I hadn't even realized that my heart wasn't where it needed to be until that night when I was singing in worship. My thoughts were wandering far and were most definitely not testifying with the words coming out of my mouth. I caught myself in an act of insincere worship, and even almost stopped singing; I would have stopped altogether but I spent the remainder of the time trying to get back to the place I had been just 2 weeks earlier. Lets just say, that didn't happen, because that isn't possible. That is when God taught me my first big lesson out of this experience: you can't climb all the way down a mountain and try to jump all the way back to the top. 

That night after worship, we had our first small group time where the girls in my cabin and I shared what we had learned and problems we were facing. We weren't exactly comfortable with each other yet, but I am thankful that several girls left their comfort zones and told of their struggles. Otherwise, I wouldn't have shared my own struggle. My heart was thumping because for some reason I was scared, but I knew I had to confess. I told them that I had become distant from God in the past few weeks and had stopped doing my Bible study. I also told them that I had become so caught up in works that I hadn't remembered my purpose and whom I was working for. Normally, I am the girl who lets everyone believe that I have everything together and am always super close to God. People depend on me, so I have to do that, right? But God taught me my second lesson that night: confessing sin to others and risking the loss of your reputation actually brings light to your sin and helps you to get rid of it much more quickly. 

I also now realize that I had just overcome a big fear of mine. When I do share my sins, it tends to be with people whom I know very well and know won't judge me. But I had just shared in front of people that I didn't even know yet. The cool thing is that from the first day, we became comfortable with being uncomfortable with each other and we became unafraid to be weak with one another. 

                                                                            (Me and my beautiful Oz cabin girls)

The weird thing is that something happened this past week that I wasn't expecting at all. I didn't become fearless, but I became a fear-over-comer. Sunday I went whitewater rafting; Monday I jumped off of a deck that was about 50 feet high attached to a rope and swung 70 feet up into the air (I didn't even scream), went zip lining 1000 feet down a mountain, went down a huge steep water slide that was also down a mountain that shoots you into a pool going 50-60 miles per hour (everyone who did it can also attest to the fact that it gives you the biggest wedgie you can imagine), and I climbed to the top of a rock wall while freezing cold water was being sprayed down on me; Tuesday, I jumped about 20 feet down onto a thing called a blob ( a giant blow up thing that sits on a lake) but without a rope attached, and was shot out into the lake when someone else jumped onto it, and even mustered the courage to do this several times.

 

(The blob, with a random dude near it to show height proportions)

Every night my small group met in the cabin and told stories of struggles, deep sins within us, and I made myself share at least something each time. This overcoming of fear was exhilarating and I loved it. To take a moment and be nerdy real quick, I felt like Tris from the Divergent series. 

One night, I forget which one, I realized that I am scared of a lot of things. I remembered the struggle I had been through recently when I shared the Gospel with a group of Green Castle kids at our first Bible study meeting, and how I had been terrified. Me and my good friend Elizabeth were able to share the whole entire Gospel message with them, and I even shared some verses from the Spanish Bible with a mother who was listening, but I had felt so down afterwards. I was forgetting the fact that the Holy Spirit does the work and not me. I can't make people believe, all I can do is plant the seeds and then pray. 

This remembrance led me to realize that one of my biggest fears is being a leader. How had I not realized this before? Now that I think back on several situations, it makes sense now. I was afraid to lead the Green Castle kids at the Bible study, I am occasionally afraid on Sunday mornings when I have to take the main leadership role in the preschool room that I serve in (preschoolers are terrifying, aren't they?), I am afraid to be an upperclassmen in youth because I should be able to lead those younger than me at small group but I don't feel like I can, I am afraid to try to lead my siblings closer to Christ and take on a different role in their life other than that of a normal sister, and lastly, I feel called to be a missionary one day and could even go on a mission trip in the next year, but all of that also involves being a leader and so, I. AM. SCARED. 

After I shared with my group that I was scared of being a leader and everyone dismissed, I stayed to talk with Amanda Springer and two girls from the Malaysia team (Emilie and Kesha). Amanda is very certain that I have to come with her on a mission trip in the next year, and she really wants me to go to India with her through the Elevate Summer Project. I've been thinking/praying about it for a long time, and I really hope that I can go, despite my fears. Talking to her reminded me that the safest place to be is inside God's Will, no matter where I physically am in this world. She reminded me that I could even die in a car crash here in the U.S, just the same as I could die sharing the Gospel somewhere else, but that if it's God's Will, everything will work out for good. 

Two nights ago, the last night at Elevate Summer Camp, Jason Gaston preached an amazing sermon. Two things in particular really stood out to me: 1.) He talked about how people have even been sawed in half and killed in gruesome ways sharing the Gospel 2.) He said something about how we tiptoe through life when the Gospel frees us to walk and run, and it reminded me of this quote: "I refuse to tip toe through life only to arrive safely at death." This is so true in the life of a Christian especially, because we have eternal life in Christ and our purpose on this earth is to glorify Him and make Him known on this earth, no matter what the cost! When Jesus tells us that following Him means picking up our crosses, He's NOT joking. The whole thing about being sawed in half stuck in my mind. God again showed me something that I needed to change, another lesson that looked into the depths of my heart: I was and still am scared of sharing the Gospel, but that fear doesn't stop me altogether. What stops me is my fear of leading in which I've already mentioned, and also the fear of what accompanies that. I had this weird idea that since Jesus died on the cross for me, He didn't just take my sins away, He also took away all of the pain because HE died on the cross and I didn't need to anymore. But folks, let me tell you, that is NOT what the Bible says. Almost all of the disciples were martyred in some way, and missionaries still are all over the world. If I want to be a missionary one day, and become able to lead, I need to know what the cost may be and also live in the peace that Jesus gives me allowing me to overcome that fear. 

The next thing that happened that night was small group. As soon as we got to our cabin, our awesome leader Erica told us that it would not be a normal night of sharing. My heart dropped because I wanted the last night to be just as great as the other nights had been. She said that we would break up into groups and pray. My group included two girls who received Christ that night (I am not sure if they would want their names mentioned here or not), my friend Michelle whom I grew close to this week, and Kesha (from the Malaysia team). We went off into a room and closed the door to have privacy, and let me just tell you, it got very emotional and I am so thankful that it was different than the other nights. 

Kesha said that she first wanted to share some things before we began to pray. We have known each other for several years now, and she has had her ups and her downs most definitely. Her testimony is a beautiful picture of God's way of working in our lives and His love/reconciliation, and if you ever get the chance to talk to her, you should ask her about it. But instead of talking about herself, she started to talk about me. I don't remember exactly what she said because I started to cry, but I do remember some things. She said that even when she was far away from God, she always thought that I was so strong, that I am one of the strongest Christian girls that she knows. The kind of girl who would wear her 116 I Am Not Ashamed shirt anywhere. She said that she knew I was born to be a leader, and if anyone ever needed to talk to someone, they could count on me.

(A selfie of me and Kesha)

Kesha encouraged me probably greater than anyone has ever encouraged me before. No one had spoken to me the way she spoke to me before either, and I wish I could remember more of what she said. God had given her a vision for my life that He hadn't even shown me yet, and He allowed this girl whom I had been praying for that I hadn't seen in forever to tell me. It was one of the most beautiful moments that I can recollect so far in my life. In my low moment of having to overcome fears and thinking that I wasn't fit to be a leader at all, God showed me the exact opposite. We finished the evening praying hard for those who came to know Christ, and for everyone else to have the strength to do what God had called us to do. These verses come to mind:

• John 20:19 "19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!'" 


• 1 John 4:18 "18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 


• 2 Corinthians 12: 9 "9 But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."


• Colossians 1:28-29 "28 Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. 29 For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me." 

These verses show me that even Jesus' disciples were scared, but He told them "Peace be with you!" and He proceeded to give them the Holy Spirit which is the power in us that gives us peace. God's love perfects me and causes me to lose my fear, yet another reason out of all of the many to pursue Him. God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses, so I will boast in them because when I am weak, He is strong. Last things last (remember that, Elevators?), I must remember that Jesus is the reason for what I am doing and the Gospel is worth all of the pain that I will go through, all of the toiling and the struggles. GOD IS POWERFUL. He is my reason for living, the reason for everything that I do. 

I woke up and did my Bible study first thing this morning. It was easy to do that at camp, because we even had time allotted for it and I had friends by my side, but I was again tempted to not do it this morning. I almost went downstairs to eat breakfast first. The Holy Spirit is powerful though, and fought off that temptation for me, reminding me of the mountain that I still need to re-climb to get back to where I was a few weeks ago. It will take time, and I will arrive there a slightly different person than I was before, but it is worth it. As Jonathen Lenker (I think it was him) said at camp: "We are gonna change anyways, we just have to choose whether we will change for the bad or for the good." Because I want to bring all of my blogposts around to this point (the reason for my blog name), I will say this: He makes us beautiful, and I hope that My Story will attest to that.